Grief

When we leave a legalistic environment, we have a lot of feelings. One of these feelings is grief. I think we often overlook that we are, in fact, grieving. We overlook this because we know that we also feel a sense of great freedom, knowing that for the first time in probably many years, we can think for ourselves and make decisions for ourselves.

While we are making some decisions for ourselves for the very first time in many years or possibly ever, we are also defending ourselves against an onslaught of accusation. These accusations come from family and friends, people we have known for many years. Usually, the sense of freedom and deliverance from legalism override these accusations and we continue in spite of them.

Time goes by and we learn. We learn to sort truth from error. We learn to flex these muscles because this is something we really haven't done before. These muscles are weak. We had been taught not to use them, to let others exercise them for us.

During this time of freedom, accusations and sorting, we are also learning what it means to not live in denial. This is one of the hardest parts since we had been taught to deny our own feelings and perceptions for so long. We suddenly realize in the very backs of our minds that the denial has been deep and lengthy. If we have a family, this can be very tricky as everyone comes out at a different pace and interprets new information in different ways.

Underneath all of this is a sense of questioning and grief. We don't know right from wrong in a black and white sense. We learn, We question God. We feel His love in the freedom but question why there was bondage in His name in the first place. We grieve the loss of relationships we once had, dreams we once had. We grieve that we were lied to. We grieve that we believed it. The loss becomes greater over time, not less, at least for a time as we realize the significance of the losses. We realize somethings will never be the same again. For that, we are both thankful and sad.

We grieve the fact that when we talk to people, most do not relate. If someone had died, you could explain that, and people would understand. They offer support and comfort. When you grieve different kind of losses, sometimes you are not only not offered support, but you are questioned and accused. Maybe it was your own fault, they say. This adds to the grief.

But sometimes naming grief is all that is needed to overcome it. Knowing that it is grief. Knowing that it is valid. Knowing that sometimes accusations come from a lack of understanding and not from motives that are meant to hurt you.

There are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance.

Once we know that grief for losses is something we are going through, we can stop denying that grief isn't valid for us. It is valid. Then, we can move on into the other stages. The stages don't always go exactly like this. Sometimes a trigger, a song, seeing someone you hadn't in years will bring back a sense of loss that you thought you had gotten over and you go through the stages again. But every time they are gone through, every time we accept that grief is okay and is valid for us, we heal more and more.

Life is a journey. You have the right to grieve. The old message said you weren't allowed to grieve. You didn't count. But you do count. You can grieve. You can take care of yourself and you can heal.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. Additional articles may be viewed here. Her email address is lyohnk@hotmail.com if you wish to write.

Page added April 13, 2017

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