Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part One

Having been deeply personally affected by the teachings of male headship and sexuality in marriage and in the church and now having come out on the other side, I find some teachings utterly fascinating and mind boggling. I was saved in the mid eighties and came in to the church from the outside, soaking up everything I could. I married a man who became a minister and pastor in the church. We pastored and, even though I was a co-pastor and a preacher and this was allowed in the organization I was in, it felt more like a hold-over from the early days that the church just couldn't seem to shake. I distinctly remember one time I preached, a man in the congregation just glared at me the whole time with crossed arms. I was only asked to preach "out" one time and that was only because they couldn't find a man. We left the ministry and that organization in 2005. However, the headship teachings remained in me for many years. I followed the advice in Christian books that I read for help in my marriage which is a long story in and of itself. I am now divorced. However, I had never read Love and Respect. I have decided to read it now and do a commentary as I read it with my new eyes. I have a large print version so the page numbers may be slightly different than yours.

The first thing I notice is in the introduction: "This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs-respect." Pg 15

So-let's assume we have a woman with 3 small children who babysits to bring in some extra income or has a small side business or whatever. Many Christian couples marry young and a young woman may not have an education. Her marriage is not happy, it is not working. However-it MUST work. It has to. Because if it doesn't, she has to provide for 3 small children with no education (almost impossible) and put them in daycare while she works. This isn't about her as much as it is about her kids! She has to, she must, protect her kids. So she NEEDS her marriage to work! In this scenario, let's say that her husband is a minister. In public, he's great. In private, he's mean, nasty and controlling. He brings home just enough to pay the bills and anything left over, he buys toys for himself with HIS money. She buys everything from a thrift store to keep them clothed. He demands sex or he rages. One day he's wonderful to her and then next, terrible. He won't help with the kids. She desperately needs help. She picks up Love and Respect and reads these wonderful words......"This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs-respect."

Wow! What an awesome promise! You mean that she can fulfill her own need without even relying on him to do anything? It's all in her control? She can make this happen! Wow, tell me more she says!

Just give him what he needs-respect. And she can fulfill her need to be loved! SHE CAN FULFILL HER NEED BY GIVING HIM RESPECT.

"Ironically, the deepest need of the wife-to feel loved-is undermined by her disrespect." pg 19 If a wife is truly being disrespectful to her husband it is true that she should not be. But what happens in the scenario I outline above which happens to be MANY cases? (I have read stories in divorce forums for years!) We must understand that this book is being read by CHRISTIAN women, who presumably WANT to do the right thing and are generally not women who want to be manipulative and disrespectful. What happens? In her desire to be loved and have a good marriage and a good space for her children to grow up in, she makes herself smaller. If desiring him to step up is the same as disrespect, and her husband has been telling her this for years, if now a Christian author read by millions is telling her the same thing, who is she to say he is wrong? "For so many couples, respect is, indeed, the missing piece of the puzzle. Read on, and I will show you what I mean." pg 20 In other words, "It's you, woman. You are the problem. He CAN'T love you, because you won't "respect" him. All you need to do is change and the world will be yours."

And so begins what I call "Ensmallinate yourself." That is a word I made up for when women begin making themselves small. Ensmallination. She ensmallinates herself.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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