Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Eleven

Installment #11 Love & Respect

Eggerichs calls marital conflict "Battle to the Death." (pg 213 LP)

Eggerichs is continuing to speak with husbands. He does give some decent advice to husbands in these parts, mostly about not being defensive and understanding that your wife's desire to talk isn't about prying but to connect. It's funny how Eggerichs seems to battle himself in these writings, going back and forth between what he knows is right and saying disparaging things about women.

I have a theory about this. After the fall, the scriptures say that man would begin to rule over woman. Genesis 3:16. We live in a fallen world. Because of the fall and because of our culture, men are raised with a sense of entitlement towards women. This is illustrated on page 224 where Eggerichs talks about how in courtship men are truly open but once he gets what he wants, "he no longer felt the need to share and be open." He felt entitled to access to his wife without continuing the work. This is where I believe the "crazy cycle" that Eggerichs talks about actually begins (unlike where Eggerichs says it begins "But if she does stop to think, she will realize that she started the whole thing with her criticism." pg 72). Eggerichs blames women for beginning this crazy cycle and calls respect the "missing piece" of how to stop it but I believe it actually starts with male entitlement towards women. Men stop giving to their wife because he feels he can have her and give nothing except, perhaps, providing financially. This is a common idea. It is a transactional view of the marital relationship and men can find plenty of support for believing this idea. In order to stop the "crazy cycle," male entitlement must end.

Eggerichs readily admits "I misinterpreted Sarah's purpose behind the talks." (pg 226) He claims it is a "natural male inclination to think she may be snooping, prying, criticizing or even trying to control me." (pg 227) I think if there is anything "natural" about it it is that the fall and the culture feeds male entitlement. I have to ask the question as to why he might feel she is snooping or prying? Snooping or prying about what? And if she was, did she have reason to believe you were stealing from her in the relationship and you were afraid she would find out? Did you have a gut feeling that there may be some entitlement there and she might call you out on it? Did you then feel more angry and entitled and justify yourself that she has no right to question you when in fact, deep inside, you know she does?

Eggerichs says you "MUST understand that those feelings....ARE going to come over you....it WILL happen." (pg 228-emphasis mine) Is that, in fact, something that happens to ALL males, or only males who hold to a sense of entitlement that their wives have no right to question them?

Eggerichs quotes a man "I have known for many, many years that honesty and openness is God's way but had not really come to terms with it until recently." (pg 229) Eggerichs seems to indicate on a number of occasions that in general, men know this, particularly when they withhold it for many years (maybe not so much in the early years)- they just decide not to do it for whatever reason. We can give young people a learning curve but after a while, is the "missing piece" really that women are not "respecting" their husbands or is it that men are refusing to give up the male entitlement they know they are not entitled to?

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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