Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Sixteen

Installment #16 Love & Respect

Eggerichs begins to talk about CHAIRS. Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality. He claims that "Wives do not need a lot of coaching on being loving" but..."they do need help with respect." (pg 298 LP) Again, if he is talking about Norwood's definition of respect in Women Who Love Too Much (see previous postings) I could agree. If he is talking about ensmallination, I would completely disagree.

Eggerichs talks about giving your husband a "respect test" and seeing how he responds and to be ready to tell him actual reasons why you respect him. What I have noticed repeatedly in this part, is that Eggerichs is telling women they can use these things with confidence on a husband "who has basic goodwill." He uses the word goodwill for husbands on pgs 73, 304, 305, 306, 307 and 328. (He may also use it in other places.) I want to look in depth at this idea of a "husband who has basic goodwill" and what Eggerichs means by it.

We can assume that the reason Eggerichs uses the word "goodwill" to husbands is that he is trying to distance himself from abuse. However, we need to remember that Eggerichs has repeatedly used the word "unconditional" when he talks about "respect" towards husbands. (example, pg 300) So, we need to ask if this "unconditional" respect is supposed to be towards all husbands or only husbands with "goodwill." Eggerichs is not clear on this point. However, here are examples of the husbands that Eggerichs says "respect" has worked on: Men who have ignored their marriage anniversary for ten years and then purchase a birthday card for their anniversary (pg 52), a man who threw a dish at his wife's face and was taken to jail (pg 146), a man who had an affair and became and alcoholic and ruined his health (so long term alcoholic) (pg 150), a woman whose husband repeatedly gave her "that month's ice cold treatment" (pg 301), a "workaholic" (in quotes which means it's just your imagination?) (pg 326).

Eggerichs says to women "Is my husband, as unaware and unloving as he is, a man of goodwill? If the answer to this question is yes, in any degree at all, then this wife can start making her list." (pg 305) So, if he has an affair and is an alcoholic but is nice to puppies, does that make him a "man of goodwill"? Eggerichs states "Look at his desires and not his performance." (pg 306) Generally speaking, a professional counselor is going to tell you to look at people's actions and not their words. A man can make many promises, but what does he actually DO?

Eggerichs actually accuses women of making "too drastic of a judgment on her own husband" and "impugning an evil motive on him." Eggerichs states point blank that "he (the husband) is not consciously, willfully and habitually trying to be unloving and displeasing." (pg 307) Besides saying he needs to be a man of "goodwill" he states "his wife must realize he is not set on a course to hurt her. He tries to be well meaning." (pg 307) As I have previously stated, 1 in 4 highly religious marriages have abuse https://lifesavingdivorce.com/1in4/ in them. Those seeking help are going to be the ones reading books. So what percentage then reading are in abusive relationships? And when is the line drawn as to when husbands have "goodwill"? Eggerichs is giving dangerous advice and literally telling women and deciding for them that their husband has "goodwill" but giving himself an out at the same time. He's walking both sides of the fence. I can hear him distancing himself from abuse "Well, I did say he had to be a man of goodwill!" while at the very same time directing women that their husband is a man of goodwill because even if he threw a dish to your face or had an affair or became an alcoholic, he just is "unaware." In other words, she should continue giving him a break, over and over and over and just keep believing that he will change which is exactly, ensmallination.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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