Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Seventeen

Installment #17 Love & Respect

Eggerichs begins to talk about hierarchy and conquest. As he predicts, "many women would dismiss these verses almost flippantly" concerning Eph 5:33 and 1 Pet 3:1-2 (pg 302 LP) and I would say they are not dismissing the verses, but his interpretation of those verses. As before, Eggerichs equates his interpretation of these verses with God's interpretation.

Eggerichs states that "men, in general, see themselves as the ones who should "chair" the relationship." (pg 310) "Men see themselves as in the driver's seat." "He needs to be the chairman,; he needs to drive." "He needs to be the first among equals." (pg 311) Eggerichs explains this away at the same time by saying "not to be superior or dominating but because this is how God has made him." (pg 311) Keep in mind that what Eggerichs is saying is that if you disagree, you are disagreeing with how GOD has made men. Therefore, if you disagree, you are really disagreeing with God.

Eggerichs talks about men and how their job is important to them. He states that "her way of helping can feel anything but respectful to her husband." (pg 316) This takes me back once again to Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much, where she states "To stop managing and controlling him means not helping and not giving advice." (pg 237) Throughout Love and Respect, Eggerichs continuously mixes and matches good advice like Norwood, a therapist, gives ("When life is unmanageable, when everything in you wants to take over, to advise and encourage him, to manipulate the situation in whatever way you can, you must learn to hold still, to respect this other person enough to allow the struggle to be his, not yours." Women Who Love Too Much pg 238-239) with ensmallination. One time Eggerichs tells women to help and the next, not to "help" which he has previously been demanding. This back and forth dynamic seems to be consistent with abusive relationships and trauma bonding.

Eggerichs then talks about feminism negatively right after he talks about these things to drive the idea home. In other words, you better get on board. Eggerichs further addresses feminism, saying he "can't really blame these women as ......(men) have justified all kinds of terrible treatment of women, all in the name of the Bible says so." (pg 331) Ya think?

The "good willed husband" will see certain scriptures "as a duty to protect his wife." (pg 334) With this, I agree. He says regarding hierarchy, that "if a husband is evil-willed, the abuse will happen anyway, no matter the family structure." (pg 355)

So, Eggerichs, talking about "good willed" men, says "men are very sensitive...in the area of providing for their family." (pg 338) "Men see themselves as "over" their families. This is why a husband is extra sensitive during conflicts when he hears what sounds like put-downs. (pg 342) "Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to "headship" issues. (pg 342)

This makes me think of a passage in Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" (inside the minds of angry and controlling men). Bancroft says controlling men are like boys who all their lives they were told that the land they could see would all be theirs when they turn 18. Their Dad, their Mom, their cousins, siblings, aunts and uncles all told them "Oh yes! This will all be yours!" So, they turn 18 and they go to the land, only to find people all over it, riding bikes, picnicking, walking. They yell and scream "Get off my land!!" But what they don't realize is that the land is a state park. This is like a controlling man's mind towards women. He thinks he owns her. But this is the message of the world caused by the fall of man "he shall rule over thee." Then, he finds out he doesn't own her and he has terrible cognitive dissonance. Perhaps this is the root of his hyper-sensitivity. So these men, who think they own the land, get together and tell each other how they actually own the land. But they don't. They've been lied to. And the only way to resolve the issue is to deal with the cognitive dissonance inside themselves.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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