Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Two

Here is my second part of commentary on the book I am currently reading called Love and Respect. I have never read this book before and am commenting as I go so, Eggerichs possibly deals fairly with some things later. However the groundwork as I have seen it laid so far is that Eggerichs says that respect is the missing piece in marriage and why they go awry. He clearly states that it is respect that is missing (page 20, large print) which is obviously the woman's lack he is speaking of since it is her job to "respect."

Emerson forgets his wife's birthday. This isn't too abnormal in an early marriage, right? His wife is hurt and says so. He admits his forgetfulness was unloving and he doesn't like the hurt he sees but at the same time "I had these strange feelings. Yes, I had been wrong to forget, but I hadn't ignored her birthday intentionally. I felt judged, put down-and rightly so. At the same time, I couldn't describe my feelings with a word like disrespected." So, he forgets her birthday, disrespecting her emotional needs. She explains that she was hurt. So, he apologizes and remembers next time so he meets her emotional needs and they live happily ever after, right? Well, he doesn't say. What he does do is bring up the disrespect HE feels that she actually felt hurt that he forgot. So, in Emerson's mind, she was wrong for bringing up her hurt and THAT is the disrespect he feels.

He goes on about years going by in their marriage and he is a pastor now who is supposed to be "good" (which he seems to resent) and talks about his own "slip-ups," leaving wet towels on the bed, neglecting certain duties. When she would ask him (remember they had been married for years) once again to do these duties, he would "come across as blaming her or making excuses." So, what he is saying is that he was just "coming across this way" and not actually doing so, even though he apparently wasn't actually pulling his weight and could have easily done so. Her transgressions were periodically coughing and clearing her throat-something he admits she clearly couldn't help (pg 33). But the things he wasn't doing he clearly could help. His wife would travel, study and teach even though she didn't enjoy it for the sake of their ministry and he would complain "when trying to fix something that doesn't get fixed anyway." (pg 34) He shares these "little secrets" which show that she was willing to make sacrifices and he clearly wasn't. She apparently didn't complain-just didn't like travel etc but did it anyway and he did complain and didn't fix things.

Suddenly, he has an epiphany from Ephesians 5:33 about women needing love and men needing respect. He takes a very black and white approach to this. He talks about wives giving husbands unconditional respect and this may surprise you but I agree with the idea in a sense-but not in the way he is teaching it. This is something I will write about in more detail later. (Please don't let me lose you. It makes sense, I promise!)

What Eggerichs is selling here is a seeming form of equality. Women give respect and receive love. Men give love and receive respect. It comes across as egalitarian but isn't. The reason for this is that what Eggerichs is claiming is respect is actually a demand for women to ensmallinate themselves (my made up word). He sells equality but he is saying that she makes sacrifices and he doesn't. She speaks up when she feels hurt and he resents it and the CURE for this is for her to do what he claims is biblical "respect" which is actually ensmallination which without saying it out loud, apparently she must not speak up or ask for the wet towels to be once again not left on the bed because this makes him feel disrepected. "The wife's dislike is....disrespect...she doesn't approve and is letting him know it." Yes, she is saying she doesn't like the towels on the bed-again. "So the husband decides he will motivate his wife to become more respectful by acting in unloving ways." (pg 40) This is what they call deciding to play tit for tat. Or maybe not even since her request was valid.

So-so far what I am seeing is him being irresponsible, being called on it, resenting it and calling that biblical disrespect. More to come...

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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