Conclusion: All page numbers are taken from the Large Print Version 2004 Love & Respect Emerson Eggerichs.
I believe that Eggerichs mixes and matches a bunch of advice and turns it into a confusing concoction. There is no real clarity on which way to go for wives. Should they "follow" their husband and do what he says? Is that "respect"? I am sure there were couples who this book did help. However, I believe these couples had enough critical thinking skills to wade through the confusion to a good outcome.
Mostly for this conclusion, I have decided to compile a bunch of quotes from the book because they speak pretty well for themselves. If you are interested in my commentary, you can read them in the installments.
Eggerichs repeatedly states that the problem in marriages is primarily lack of respect from wives to husbands:
- "This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs-respect," (pg 15)
- "Ironically, the deepest need of the wife-to feel loved-is undermined by her disrespect." (pg 19)
- "For so many couples, respect is, indeed, the missing piece of the puzzle. Read on, and I will show you what I mean." (pg 20)
- "Respect-Unique Feature of this Book." (pg 42)
- "Respect is the key to motivating a husband." (pg 90)
- "What was missing was that very short phrase, 'the wife must respect her husband.'" (pg 84)
- "Wives do not need a lot of coaching on being loving" but..."they do need help with respect." (pg 298)
- "her way of helping can feel anything but respectful to her husband" (pg 316)
Eggerichs seems to claim that his view is equal to God's Word:
- "God's Word clearly says." (pg 58)
- "Those of us in the church....are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God's Word has been completely ignored." (pg 57)
- "the scriptures plainly taught about the male need for respect" (pg 89)
- "the Bible teaches women to give unconditional respect to their husbands" (pg 98)
- "Obeying God's Word does not make a wife a powerless hypocrite." (pg 154)
- "You cannot go wrong trusting and obeying God's revelation." (pg 199)
- "many women would dismiss these verses almost flippantly" concerning Eph 5:33 and 1 Pet 3:1-2 (pg 302)
- "can't really blame these women as ......(men) have justified all kinds of terrible treatment of women, all in the name of the Bible says so." (pg 311)
- Eggerichs calls his teachings "biblical truth" (pg 431)
Respect is required of wives:
- "Respect is the key to motivating a husband." (pg 90)
- "Obeying God's Word does not make a wife a powerless hypocrite." (pg 154)
Women started the whole problem:
- "But if she does stop to think, she will realize that she started the whole thing with her criticism." (pg 72)
- "She would not respond to him sexually until he met her emotional needs." (pg 397)
Concerning a "man of goodwill":
- "A man who has basic goodwill will serve his wife and even die for her." (pg 93)
- "Do you really think your husband's mission is to treat you unlovingly out of an evil heart?" (pg 173)
- Man who has "an affair and became an alcoholic, ruining his health" (pg 150)
- He uses the word goodwill for husbands on pages 73, 304, 305, 306, 307 and 328 and more.
- "Is my husband, as unaware and unloving as he is, a man of goodwill? If the answer to this question is yes, in any degree at all, then this wife can start making her list." (pg 305)
- "Look at his desires and not his performance" (pg 306)
- Women make "too drastic of a judgment on her own husband" and "impugning an evil motive on him". Eggerichs states that "he (the husband) is not consciously, willfully and habitually trying to be unloving and displeasing" (pg 307)
- On workaholism. He states it is a "real and serious problem"...."what he needs is support and respect for his work efforts. If he is a good-willed man....he will realize it, and you can talk through it and work it out." (pg 328)
- "unemotional and positive appeals will have their effect on any good willed man" (pg 501)
Men he describes as respect having worked on:
- A man who threw a dish in his wife's face: "Even though the man was court ordered to do domestic violence counseling, after a year had passed, his pastor supported him in discussing marriage with other men and now he and his wife meet with other couples to discuss domestic issues like the couple had." (pg 146)
- Men who have ignored their marriage anniversary for 10 years and then purchase a birthday card for their anniversary (pg 52)
- a woman whose husband repeatedly gave her "that month's ice cold treatment" (pg 301)
- a "workaholic" (in quotes which means it's just your imagination?) (pg 326)
- Men who cheat and drink (pg 150)
Eggerichs praises himself and his epiphany about respect:
- The idea of respect is "a huge piece of information" (pg 98)
- "new and even revolutionary" (pg 184)
- "You cannot go wrong trusting and obeying God's revelation" (pg 199)
Eggerich says disparaging things about women:
- "I did not say -Sarah, you are a disrespectful black widow spider using your venom to devour me.- Personal attacks never, ever work with anybody." (pg 159)
- Describing women's actions "You are receiving....verbal deathblows." (pg 156)
- "Firing her venomous little darts." (pg 165)
- "You take the verbal deathblows. It will be hard and even humiliating." (pg 165)
- "When his wife comes at him with disrespect flashing in her eyes and venom shooting from her tongue, every husband has two choices." (pg 183)
- "As usual she became disgruntled and vexed with him about something trivial." (pg 200)
- "She stopped her ranting.." (pg 201)
- His daughter was "talking as usual-little Miss Motormouth." (pg 209)
- "Be aware, however, that a woman's need to feel you understand is insatiable." (pg 250)
- Accuses Eve of "orchestrating things and got Adam to listen to her, even though he knew better." (pg 370)
- Its more than a few pounds-his wife has let herself go." (pg 374)
Eggerich gives men a pass:
- husbands simply "responded like a male" (pg 182)
- "As a man, you will probably not be able to be as involved with your wife as much as she may like. I am not asking men to become women who sit at tiny tables at cappuccino shops and sip coffee as they share life face to face." (pg 211)
- "natural male inclination to think she may be snooping, prying, criticizing or even trying to control me"(pg 227)
- Men "must understand that those feelings....are going to come over you....it will happen" (pg 228)
- "You will never be able to show her the amount of emotional openness and esteem that she really wants-no man could." (pg 287)
- "Be aware, however, that a woman's need to feel you understand is insatiable." (pg 250)
- "Often, both spouses have to work just to keep the bills paid." (pg 337)
- If she bring up his weight after he tells her she is too heavy, she is "discounting and disparaging" and she will "bring up some other log that he needs to get out of his own eye-that time she caught him interviewing internet pornography or overindulging in alcohol." (pg 375)
Conflict and life in general is hard for a man and easy for a woman:
- "A husband can feel as if he is drowning. A wife...stays afloat quite naturally and comfortably." (pg 200)
- "While his heart rate may be going through the roof, hers is slow and steady." (pg 108)
- "Husbands particularly, can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release." (pg 401)
- "Men are often lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home". Eggerichs literally states that "he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped bring upon him." (pg 404)
Describing marital conflict:
- "Battle to the Death" (pg 213)
Men have different needs than women and vice versa:
- "I learned that Sarah has needs that I do not have....she has learned that I have needs she does not have..." (pg 242)
- "Women also need to talk to realize their feelings. Men usually know what they are feeling." (pg 247)
- "a woman's approach to solving that conflict is very different from a man resolving conflict" (pg 259)
- "The typical male resolves conflict without a lot of discussion, sharing of feelings or apologies." (pg 259)
- "A man should esteem and cherish his beloved"..."it is a different kind of honor from what you seek as a man"(pg 283)
- Men need "shoulder to shoulder" activity and this means "don't talk; just be with him" (pg 395). He says to do this over a 12 week period and Eggerichs "almost guarantees he'll start talking. Will he look at you face to face? Probably not. Will he talk for a long time at first? Probably not. Will you be energized by this? Probably not. Will he be energized by this? Yes!" "Trust me. Your husband has a need you do not have." (pg 395)
- "his sexuality is much different than yours" (pg 400)
Women can't be pleased:
- "Be aware, however, that a woman's need to feel you understand is insatiable." (pg 250)
- "You will never be able to show her the amount of emotional openness and esteem that she really wants-no man could." (pg 287)
Men have to be in charge:
- "men, in general, see themselves as the ones who should "chair" the relationship." (pg 310)
- "He needs to be the first among equals" (pg 311)
- "not to be superior or dominating but because this is how God has made him" (pg 311)
- "if a husband is evil -willed, the abuse will happen anyway, no matter the family structure" (pg 355)
- "men are very sensitive...in the area of providing for their family" (pg 338)
- "Men see themselves as "over" their families. This is why a husband is extra sensitive during conflicts when he hears what sounds like put-downs." (pg 342)
- "Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to "headship" issues." (pg 342)
- "If you want a Love and Respect marriage, do not argue or fight against hierarchy." (pg 344)
- "The wife is called upon to defer to her husband....as the responsible head..." (pg 351)
- "When somebody has to call the shots, the husband is responsible to do it." (pg 355)
- "He is the leader, the one in authority." (pg 357)
- Wives should "go on record that your husband is 51% in charge." (pg 359)
Eggerichs throws hierarchy out the window and says wives should lead:
- "he will feel you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy when.....you don't try and make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex." (pg 412)
- "As she met his physical need, he reached out to meet her emotional need." (pg 397)
- "As you recognize his need and seek to meet it, you will find him reaching out to meet yours." (pg 412)
- "you must be the first to act on these principles," to both spouses (pg 422)
Men are lured into affairs because they are deprived and wives are to blame:
- "Men are often lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home." Eggerichs literally states that "he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped bring upon him." (pg 404)
- "being trapped by an adulteress" (pg 405)
- "who had been deprived of sexual release and ultimately strayed" (pg 407)
- "she contributed to the problem" (pg 407)
If love and respect doesn't work, it's your fault:
- "And if you doubt the reality of Christ, if He is not truly Lord of your life, it won't work" (pg 439)
- "Unsuccessful couples want it easy. They want it now.....this approach is the epitome of immaturity." (pg 440)
- He asks Christians if they've "really tried prayer." (pg 275)
This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.
Page added December 26, 2025