Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Three

This is my 3rd installment on Love & Respect (large print edition).

On page 42, there is a title "Respect-Unique Feature of this Book." Please note that what he is saying is that historically, it has been RESPECT that has not been talked about enough in Christian circles and he means respect for the man, specifically. He touts respect as something a woman should give her husband unconditionally. (You may be surprised to find that I agree-again please don't let me lose you here-I will go in to what I mean about this at a later time.) However, the way he DEFINES respect-a woman ensmallinating herself (my made up word)- is absolutely not biblical and is not being called for from the scripture. He takes the word respect and spins it into exactly what he WANTS.

(To be fair, I am not a scholar. What I give here are my opinions.)

So Eggerichs touts his book as unique because he says all the books say to love but they are missing the magical ingredient for women to be happy-giving respect to her husband, according to Eggerichs definition of said word. He says "The best way to love your husband is to show him respect in ways that are meaningful to him." Huh. So is he talking about love or respect? He seems to make a difference between the two and then not make a difference.

He talks about how his marriage is so much better. "Oh, she can get nasty, but that isn't how she feels in her heart." (pg 44) "I still hurt her at times with my comments and attitudes." And, I can actually clearly see that since he write his wife can get nasty in a book read by millions.

He goes into a story about how his wife can't stop peppering the eggs even though he has asked that she stop peppering them. So, I will give him that if she peppers his eggs after being asked not to over and over that she could easily not pepper them and she should stop. However, given that Eggerichs compared his not doing chores around the house and feeling justified in being angry with her because she asks him to-to her coughing and clearing her throat, I question if perhaps she got a little bit of pepper on his eggs while sprinkling her own and he just blows it up into a thing to diminish her. I mean, it's possible, and we can't know but we have already seen this as a pattern in his behavior.

Chapter 2 He says men and women communicate in code.

He tells a story of a man who has forgotten his anniversary many, many times. He just kept ignoring that this was important to his wife. So, he buys her a card and she is so happy-until she sees it's a birthday card-meaning he grabbed the first card he saw and didn't bother to read it. She is very upset. Eggerichs completely feels for the man here, assuming that he meant well and believing it was an honest mistake. "He has tried to do the loving thing, and all his wife can do is say nasty things." (pg 52) The man says "You know what? The way you are talking I am glad I got you a birthday card for your anniversary!" and he storms out of the room slamming the door behind him. Eggerichs says this is an actual incident.

There is a really good book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft which I think of concerning this instance. (Free pdf) It is an excellent book about getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Bancroft talks about how these men plan things to get what they want and how intentional it really is. I can't give the man in the above scenario the benefit of the doubt because he has ignored his wife for a decade. Maybe he meant well but I also offer this as a possible scenario: The man doesn't want to spend his anniversary with his wife. He doesn't want to get her anything anyway. So, he angrily buys her a birthday card to make her angry so when she gets upset he can storm out and do what he wants. There is such a thing as weaponized incompetence.

Eggerichs then goes on to explain that the husband "appears" careless (not that he actually is) but she reacts (not appears to react) with "criticism and complaints that are vehement, depriving the husband of respect." (pg 53)

Understand what happens now in the mind of a reader looking for marital help. We all know it's probably the woman reading and not the man. Eggerichs has already made it clear the problem is a lack of respect when he calls it the "missing piece." In this, he appears to give women some form of empowerment. But what he really wants in this instance is for the wife to give her husband the benefit of the doubt that he meant well. Again. After a decade of failure.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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