Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Four

Installment #4 of my commentary on Love & Respect. Before I continue, I want to give a shout out to Sheila Wray Gregoire who has been a pioneer in the trailblazing against some of this terrible Christian "advice" that has been being given to women for quite a few years. Sheila's book "The Great Sex Rescue" is a book I read after I divorced and wow! It was an eye opener. My reason for doing my own commentaries is because I have done book commentaries for a long time, mostly books written in the original organization that I came out of, debunking ideas on forums in my particular old brand of organization so this is just a natural outflow of that. Secondly, I wanted to write this from the perspective of someone who had 1. Come into the church from the outside (I was raised a liberal Catholic) and was introduced to these ideas as a very young adult and 2. Lived in a high control organization for almost two decades and 3. Had lived in an abusive relationship in the church for over three decades. Differing perspectives are good and I believe we learn from each other.

Eggerichs brings up sex. (pg 54) A husband is gone for a week on a business trip. When he walks in the door his wife says "What are you doing home so early?" And then she gives him a list of things that need to be done. Eggerichs says "So much for the romantic evening he planned by our knight of the business road who has wound up playing second fiddle to the kids, the cleaning and his wife's sister. On his way out the door, he calls sarcastically over his shoulder "Great to see you after a week!" So he is gone for a week for a business trip. I imagine after his work days he got to eat out, travel the city, swim in the pool and relax in front of the television. He doesn't let his wife know he is coming home early. He plans a romantic evening without talking to his wife. Meanwhile, his wife has been exhausted juggling everything at home alone and is clearly overwhelmed. Instead of telling men in the book to communicate to the wife and understand how overwhelmed she is, help her take the load off and give her some much needed rest and space, he says he ends up playing "second fiddle to the kids." After this, he tries to get his wife to have sex in the middle of an argument and when she says no he says "Am I just a meal ticket to you?" He values his work much more than hers, feel entitled to immediate attention and sex without acknowledging her heavy load and uses the fact that he earns income while she doesn't to manipulate her emotions.

Now that Eggerichs has covered the big topic at hand that I think he really wanted to get at, which is actually sex, including power and control and not respect, he starts pushing the big sell.

The big sell at this point is the idea that what he is saying in this book is what GOD is saying. And the women need to get on board. If he can sell you on this one point, he hits a home run. So, let's do a quick run down. First he says the reason women are not happy in their marriages is this one piece-this missing piece-respect. (pgs 20 and 42 "Respect is indeed, the missing piece of the puzzle" and "Respect-unique feature of this book"). He says women need to understand respect to be happy and this is something women, not men, need to do. He then says that "Those of us in the church....are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God's Word has been completely ignored." So, he is saying that his "discovery" is a crucial part and isn't just his opinion, its "God's Word." This is important to recognize because it has a cultic like feel to it. He then lays out what "God's Word clearly says." (pg 58) Not Eggerichs opinion-no-God's Word.

He admits long term tension may play a part in marital disagreements. He says "the husband can get displeased..when she starts talking to him AS IF he's insensitive." (pg 60) It seems to be a pattern with Eggerichs to downplay the female viewpoint with terms like as if, but state them as fact if he is speaking from the male viewpoint. He lays out a lot of what is anecdotal evidence for his viewpoint such as bringing up the birthday card on the anniversary again as if ignoring the wife's request for 10 years and then buying a birthday card on their anniversary proves his points. Aside from quoting Ephesians 5:33 and saying it means what he says it says, I don't see any backing to his claim aside from that he says he had an epiphany about it and apparently, so should you.

Then after Eggerichs give anecdotal evidence from his own perspective, he actually talks about the scripture very little. This has the appearance of being spiritual since he mentions Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It seems close to what he is saying. He was a pastor so the assumption is made that his expounding on the topic must be correct and also must be what "God's Word clearly says." (pg 58) The bait and switch is that now, if you don't believe what Eggerichs is teaching about love and respect, you are denying God's Word itself. You wouldn't want to deny God's Word now, would you? At this point, if the reader is not thinking critically, they are constrained to agree with whatever is written next.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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