Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Five

Installment #5 of my commentary on Love & Respect by Eggerichs.

So a quick review of what Eggerichs has laid down in pages 1-66. He knows women are looking for help. He states clearly that "respect" is the missing piece. (pg 20) Not love. That's been preached for years according to Eggerichs. It's respect that nobody has been paying attention to. He quotes Ephesians 5:33 which mentions that men are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. He compares ignoring his wife's request for help around the house as akin to her coughing and clearing her throat and lays out a number of scenarios where a man doesn't pick up after himself or ignores his wife on special occasions for decades and her being upset with him for that as disrespect. And he has scripture for saying women aren't supposed to disrespect their husbands. He then says that "the first step... is to hear what God's Word clearly says." (pg 58)

Wives, desperate for help, nod as they say "I can do that. Maybe, just maybe my husband acting like I'm the problem all these years is really true and if so, I can do that! I can!"

I can just feel the door creak open and a voice saying "Enter, my friend, into my lair...."

It's almost as if nothing more needs to be written after this. But of course then the book would be really short.

At this point, rather than going into scripture, he talks about scientific research. He talks about John Gottman who says "a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect (capitalized in the book, I suspect for emphasis-would like to see the original). These are the direct opposite of-and antidote for-contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage." It seems to me though, that Gottman is saying something different than Eggerichs. Gottman doesn't say love for the woman and respect for the man, as does Eggerichs. Gottman speaks of a flowing love and respect for both parties as the opposite of contempt. He does not say that women should respect men-who show contempt for them by ignoring their anniversary for a decade and then giving them a birthday card on their anniversary-as an antidote for contempt.

Eggerichs claims women are not scripturally commanded to love (agape) her husband because she was born to do so but the man wasn't born to love her. He has to be commanded to do so. Eggerichs says women are, instead, commanded to respect their husband. He says that without love, women react and without respect, men react. He claims that men hear criticism as contempt and women feel silence as hostility. Interestingly, he claims women are to blame for starting it. "But if she does stop to think, she will realize that she started the whole thing with her criticism." (pg 72)

Wow. Really? You mean all women have to do is not remind him to pick up the wet towels and fix things and get her something for their anniversary? To so many women, this is GREAT news! You know why? Because then, she is empowered! "This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs-respect." (pg 15)

"Enter, my friend, into my lair...."

To be fair, there is a smidgen of truth to this. And no one buys into something unless there is actually some truth to it. No Christian woman who is worth her salt wants to be THIS woman! Proverbs 27:15: "A constant dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike." There are some contentious women out there. If a husband normally picks up and leaves a towel once and you are on him like a hot potato raging about how he never does anything, well, maybe there is room for improvement with you. BUT! The examples given seem to indicate something else is going on here.

This issue though, according to Eggerichs is that first, not only does she start the whole thing, but men have an honor code. (pg 73) (Apparently women don't.) He talks again about a woman coming at a man who has "basic goodwill" (left undefined). The wife is railing at him and her "frontal attack isn't working." He labels her disrespect as contempt. She gets louder, "screaming at him with venomous words that he's never heard in all his life." So this poor helpless guy isn't said to be stonewalling or giving the silent treatment. He's a victim. This argument, happening in Eggerichs mind which he attempts to put on paper, is pretty undefined to us, the reader. We have to read in what is happening here. We don't know if she's screaming at him because she found porn on his computer or if what he calls screaming is a woman asking him again, for the umpteenth time, to pick up his wet towels. The reader has to decide this for themselves.

Eggerichs continues "These women say the husband has to earn her respect...but if she continues to disrespectfully hammer him, especially when he is trying to do the honorable thing, nothing much will happen." (pg 75) So, again, what is she "hammering" him about? How is she "hammering" him? What does "hammering" mean? He uses disparaging terms about "these women" and no one certainly wants to be one of them!

"Please, oh please, Dr Eggerichs, please tell us how to not be like one of these women!"

Eggerichs goes on about respect and that it should be unconditional...husbands may be won by "respectful behavior"....So far, respect is left very undefined and leaves the reader spinning as how to exactly "respect" your husband. At this point, there is simply confusion and a desire to distance oneself from being a constant dripping on a rainy day.

Eggerichs talks about how wives say that husbands showed plenty of love in courtship days so they know how but that something was missing. (pg 83) "What was missing was that very short phrase, "the wife must respect her husband." (pg 84)

There it is again. Men do know how to love their wives, he says. They just refuse to. Men will sit in silence because you as a wife are not respectful. They will not pick up towels, they will stonewall, they will withhold what they gave your during courtship and ignore your anniversary because what is missing....is you are not giving them "respect." I'm sure Eggerichs is a complementarian believing in male headship and leadership. That throws a whole other twist into this whole notion. If you really believe that man is the head and leader then this makes this notion doubly bad. He blames her and asks her to go first so he can love her. It would be just laughable if it weren't so damaging.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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