Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Nine

Installment #9 Love & Respect

I am in another eye glazing over section. Eggerichs never really defines what respect is and gives anecdote after anecdote. It is my opinion and belief, that the actual intention of a lack of definition is a moving target. If respect can't be defined, the lack of this mysterious thing can be said to be consistently lacking. ("Oh, you want the trash taken out?" Partner puts trash by dumpster instead of in it. "Oh, you didn't say you wanted the trash IN the dumpster." Next week trash is not taken out. "You criticized me. That's a lack of respect. Do it yourself."

I will give a few definitions as to what I think respect means to Eggerichs.

1. Ensmallination. (Wives always making themselves smaller.)
2. Hopium. (Chump Lady uses this term in her book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. She talks about spackle as what can be used as a fix for real marital problems but hopium is a delusional hope based on unreality and can be used like a drug.)
3. A form of co-dependency. (A behavioral pattern characterized by an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person, often involving a compulsive need to please others and a deep-seated sense of responsibility for their problems.)

For women raised in homes with entitled fathers, these patterns feel very, very natural. Scratch the serial number off, plaster the word "respect" on it, find some scripture that seems to match, call it biblical and voila! You have a recipe for church supported dysfunction. You'll have women signing up for it left and right and since it does seem to work short term, you will get glowing reviews from both men and women. And sell millions of copies of books written about it. Sadly, this book is sometimes required reading by pastors before marriage.

What I do see over and over is the idea being pushed that-your husband means well ("Do you really think your husband's mission is to treat you unlovingly out of an evil heart?) (pg 173 LP) and that you need to continue to believe in him. Lack of belief is disrespect. According to The Life-Saving Divorce-Gretchen Baskerville, 1 in 4 religious marriages are abusive. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/1in4/ So let's say 25% of church marriages are abusive and that MOST of the people reading Love and Respect are people LOOKING for help. This means they have problems. What percentage of people then, reading Eggerichs book are actually in an abusive marriage? It's probably safe to say that it's at least 25%. Let's just make up a random number for sake of argument that 40% of people reading the book are in abusive marriages because again, remember, the vast majority of people reading NEED help. I am not a statistician, so I don't know, but we'll use this number for argument.

So let's assume that 40% of the people reading this book are NOT with goodwilled spouses. They are NOT with people who have their best intentions at heart. The spouses are out cheating, bringing home STDs to their spouse, lying to them, gaslighting them, not being good to the children, stealing from the family funds to gamble, buy escorts, drink etc. Eggerichs uses people practicing these very behaviors as men to continue to believe in! (pg 150) Counselors and therapists and programs like Al-Anon, S-Anon and other programs like them teach detachment and letting go and to not bail them out and NOT continuing to believe in this person's goodness. Lundy Bancroft, who works with abusive and controlling men, says that the actions of abusive men is intentional and calculated. So what Eggerichs is doing is encouraging the wives in these situations to CONTINUE to believe, CONTINUE to help, CONTINUE to be mothers to grown men.

It's all about his contrived definition of respect (which is nebulous and can't be pinned down) which he claims is the Word of God which women must obey.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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