Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Part Twelve

Installment #12 Love & Respect

I took a short break from reading as it was getting a bit heavy but now I am ready for another stint.

Eggerichs gives more advice to husbands. Some of it isn't bad. Some of it is downright good. What I find issue with are the interspersed comments that seem to do away with the good he just said.

I did mention in installment 11 that Eggerichs states "As a man, you will probably not be able to be as involved with your wife as much as she may like. I am not asking men to become women who sit at tiny tables at cappuccino shops and sip coffee as they share life face to face." (pg 211 LP) He says this after he tells men to spend time with their wives so he gives men an out and gives them the right to define this as they see fit.

He continues to point out supposed differences between men and women. "I learned that Sarah has needs that I do not have....she has learned that I have needs she does not have..." (pg 242) He says this when talking about women needing a listening ear from their husbands. While it is true that as individuals we have needs someone next to us may not have and even some differences in general between men and women, Eggerichs seems to take this to an extreme. He says he does not have this need. He never needs his wife to listen to him? I seriously doubt that.

Eggerichs asks his wife what she is looking for, solutions or a listening ear because he says men like to give solutions. He talks about this as a difference between men and women but I would like to offer that men often have a view of themselves as above women and superior to women. Women sense this and if a man is approaching talking to his wife as being her superior, she will definitely sense this and dislike it. Men can often be condescending, maybe without even meaning to, and I would offer that this is because men, because of the fall, seem to have an inherent belief of superiority (he shall rule over thee). If men understand that this is a wrong belief, that they are, in fact, not superior, perhaps they would listen as an equal and offer solutions as an equal and not as a superior. Women often offer solutions to each other, but not as a superior.

Eggerichs says "95 to 98% of the time one man comes to another to share his problem because he would like some help." (pg 244) This is also the reason women talk to each other and their husbands. Women really don't want someone to ONLY listen, but to try and understand the problem as valid and real and then offer a real solution if there is one. Men too often see the problem as invalid and not real (because they are coming from a superior standpoint) and offer solutions to their inferior. Obviously, this is not going to feel acceptable to women. If a man just sits there and grunts "yep." "Uh-huh." This is not real communication. Eggerichs says men want to "share opinions, come to some conclusions" (pg 245) as if this is some great revelation about men. It is no different for women. No woman wants mansplaining though and it's good for men to learn the difference.

"Women also need to talk to realize their feelings. Men usually know what they are feeling." (pg 247) Do they though? I think women often want to work through their feelings and men sometimes sexualize theirs, rather than recognize them and work through them. Although I believe men and women have some differences, I don't believe they are as stark as Eggerichs makes them out to be. I think that men like to portray the differences as larger because it makes it easier to avoid dealing with them because they are not as well trained in dealing with them and women seem to be more socialized to do so. Men seem to have a hard time admitting women might be better at something so they often trivialize it or do anything instead of upset the idea that he might not be superior at something.

Once again, Eggerichs gives men an out. "Be aware, however, that a woman's need to feel you understand is insatiable." (pg 250 LP) Eggerichs tells men that it literally is hopeless, you just have to kind of pretend to try or something to appease her. Don't actually listen to understand or help or support. Just listen and grunt uh-huh and understand that this is an insatiable thing for women. Once you've done a certain prescribed amount of grunting in her direction as your eyes glaze over, you are free to go the garage and shoot darts, apparently. This is not real communication.

This writing is the copyright of Lynne Johnson-Yohnk and was posted with her permission. It was originally posted on her Paradigm Shift Page. Additional articles may be viewed here.

Page added December 25, 2025

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